Before my daughter was born at the end of 2019, I was filled with excitement and anticipation. I knew there would be stress—waking up at midnight or early in the morning—but it was balanced by joy and discovery.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the lethargic mental fog that enveloped me. When I returned to the office, it was almost impossible to concentrate. At home in the evenings, all I wanted to do was play video games and be alone. And after the pandemic hit a few months later, I fell into a pit of emptiness and self-hatred that I had never experienced, even after battling depression my entire life.
Do not misunderstand me. I adore my children (we have two now) and value the time spent with them. But becoming a first-time father left me unable to feel anything other than exhaustion and powerlessness. Although I had access to high-quality mental health care and never experienced serious problems at work, it was years before I felt normal.
Perhaps to state the obvious, I am not a woman. I didn’t have to endure pregnancy or push another person out of my body. I never had to breastfeed, pump, or live with the expectation of being the perfect mother. I’m ashamed to say this, but the mental shock I experienced occurred even though my wife took on most of the raising of the children.
And yet the pain I felt was nonetheless deep and far more common among men than you might think. Although postpartum depression among women is well known and striking from 13% to 19% mothers, its incidence in men is much less studied, but is also quite common, affecting 8% To 10% fathers.
As many new parents will tell you, lack of sleep affects your mental health for a reason. For years, research has shown that women’s brains shrink temporarily during pregnancy and postpartum, especially in areas related to social cognition. The impact of first-time motherhood on the brain is so profound that algorithms can easily distinguish brain scans of mothers from non-mothers. Famous (though misunderstood) The “mom brain” phenomenon, where new mothers report memory loss and difficulty concentrating, may be related to these changes.
Peter Saalfield
More recently, similar findings were found in the brains of first-time fathers. In 2022 international research New fathers showed a marked reduction in the size of the cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain that controls higher-level functions such as reasoning, problem solving and memory.
Although these changes are associated with improved ability to care for and protect the newborn in both female and male parents, they are not without danger.
2022 study author Darby Saxbe of the University of Southern California recently published follow-up document showing that fathers whose brains lost more gray matter after the birth of their child tended to report a greater sense of connection and attachment to their child, but also had higher levels of anxiety and depression. (Postpartum depression in men is often characterized irritability, anger, indecision and withdrawal from relationships, work and family.)
These findings suggest that care may have a “cost,” Saxbe says. Luck. “The same brain adaptations that seem to help become a parent are actually associated with psychological risk.”
Indeed, as men have expanded their role as caregivers, their risk of depression may have increased. As recently as 1965, fathers typically spent only about 2.5 hours a week with their children, according to the Pew Research Center. According to recent research, this number has tripled overall and quadrupled among college-educated fathers.
“Becoming a parent has always been psychologically difficult for women,” says Saxbe. It’s possible that as fathers play an increasingly important role in raising children, the changes in the brain reflected in fatherhood “also impact their mental health.”
First-time fatherhood roughly doubles the risk of depression, says James Rilling, a psychologist at Emory University who studies fatherhood. Luck. Fathers who take care of their children usually experience decreased testosterone levels, which also increases susceptibility to depression. Work-family conflict is a common source of stress for fathers, he says, and it increases over time. Having previously suffered from depression, as I do, is a leading risk factor.
This matches the life experiences of many fathers, including my own. In 2019 international survey of new fathers found that 70% experienced increased stress in the 12 months after the birth of their first child, and 56% developed at least one “negative health behavior,” such as exercising less, drinking more alcohol or gaining excess weight. In six weeks, about six months after my daughter was born, I had gained almost forty pounds.
Another 23% reported feeling “extremely isolated,” and 20% reported losing “a few close friends.” While women may have the social structures needed to navigate the transition to parenthood (think mommy and me yoga), men typically don’t. I’m comfortable talking about mental health with friends, but parenting isn’t a common topic of conversation. (I hesitate to admit it, but almost none of us read books on parenting, much to the consternation of our wives.)
Of course, the experience of parenting is highly individualized. Before the birth of our second child last year, I was preparing for another amazing experience. It never came. Although friends warned me that baby number two made parenting exponentially more stressful, I barely noticed the effect.
Saxbe says the level of stress associated with first-time versus second-time parenting may depend on which aspect of the experience you find most challenging. If your biggest obstacles are logistics and a busy schedule, a second child may be a bigger challenge. But if your biggest challenge is changing your personality and social role, then having your first child is likely to be the most difficult.
For men, the identity change that comes with becoming a parent can be a double-edged sword, she added. While research shows that women suffer more career losses from parenthood due to stigma against working mothers, fathers who want to be involved in child rearing may incur a psychological cost as they have to contend with the idea that their worth depends on from the role of breadwinner.
“There’s a lot more emphasis on men finding value and identity through work,” Saxbe says, which can make it harder for men to feel like “their time spent caring is valued.”
Coming to understand my value as a father has been an important part of my recovery. As I became more confident as a parent, my sense of agency began to return. As my wife and I learned to navigate our new relationship and find a common approach to parenting, I gained additional strength and confidence. For me, learning to accept my new identity was as important to my recovery as therapy and medication. It is also important to remember that an ounce of prevention can be a pound of cure. According to Jody Pawluski, a neuroscientist who specializes in postpartum mental health, expectant fathers need to be better prepared for the logistical and psychological challenges that come with parenthood. It’s not enough to just know that your world will be rocked. You must know how to do this.
In other words, I probably should have read parenting books. Or at least a couple.
“Educate yourself,” she says. “Discuss with your partner what things will look like after birth. You have a few months of pregnancy to prepare. Actually learn something, plan something, or at least discuss it.”
While every task doesn’t have to be split 50/50, couples need to be proactive and figure out what works best for them. Planning surveys and other resources available in groups such as International postpartum support can be useful tools, Pauluski says. But nothing beats good, old-fashioned communication with your partner.
“Join us guys,” she says. “Just talk about it.”