Thanks to social media, the bar for major life events like getting married or having a baby is higher than ever.
The quest for perfect weddings, bachelor and bachelorette parties or baby showers has led to skyrocketing costs and increased stress associated with planning for new parents or engaged couples. But now the guests are feeling the pressure too.
Lately, brides, grooms and parents-to-be have become more discerning about what they would like their guests to wear and what gifts they would be happy to receive, and they are becoming more particular about their expectations on their special day. .
Taking it even further, some of them also publicly shame their guests on forums like TikTok and Reddit.
Sending back a “disrespectful” Venmo for $100
One bride scolded a guest for sending her $100 on Venmo days after the wedding, saying it was “a little disrespectful,” according to Reddit thread, which also stated that the guest was late for the wedding. Out of disappointment, the bride returned the money, saying that she expected more. The other bride did the same. Reddit after emailing eight of her wedding guests, who only gave the couple one gift worth $50.
Guests also give up higher expectations, which leads to tension. One bride asked her guests to dress in fantasy and renaissance style clothing for her wedding and Reddit ask users if she was wrong to do so. She and her partner met at a Renaissance fair and wanted that to be a part of their wedding, so they included an appendix on the invitation detailing the types of clothes they wanted people to wear. This included “photographs, descriptions, [and] budget category,” which upset many of her guests.
“I approached them after their names were mentioned and they said I was ruining what was meant to be. [a] happy day, demanding people dress like idiots,” the bride wrote in the post. “They said everyone should be allowed to dress the way they feel comfortable, and I have a lot of control over that.”
Another couple received backlash for including QR code for the groom’s Venmo account in their wedding invitations, and another bride and groom were criticized on social media for including 14-point list of rules on your wedding day with your invitations. In addition, expectant mothers have also started publicly shaming their friends and family for not purchasing gifts from their baby shower lists.
“When people don’t buy from your registry, you can’t give them credit for other things you want on your registry.” one TikTok user complained. “If you go to a baby shower in the future, just buy from the registry.” Several recently married couples have also taken to social media with similar complaints about guests buying gifts that aren’t on their registry.
All of these events—and many more—have sparked debate about proper event etiquette. Luck spoke to wedding planners and etiquette experts to find out whether their requests are justified and how guests should properly respond to seemingly controlling requests.
Registry Rules
Wedding registries have evolved, especially in the last 10 years. Bryce Carsonevent director with Roberts and Co. Eventstells Luck. Gone are the days of the traditional gift registry where couples asked for fine china and random kitchenware; These include cash-based gifts such as honeymoon funds and first home funds. Indeed, cash is the most popular gift newlyweds register for, with 74% of registry creators including cash on their wish list, according to The Knot’s 2023 survey. Registry Research.
“It’s definitely because couples are getting married a little older. They’re already consolidating their homes,” Carson says. “They don’t need two sets of everything, so we don’t see this as a money grab, but as an opportunity for couples to make their transition into married life as easy as possible.”
Now that wedding registries are mostly online, it’s easier to split up big-ticket items among multiple guests instead of relying on a rich aunt or uncle to buy the high-end cookware or outdoor grill the couple has been dreaming of. And while wedding registries have changed, that’s no reason to buy illegal gifts that aren’t on the requested list, Carson says.
“The etiquette is and always will be that you should be purchasing off-registry as a guest,” he says. “You don’t know what’s in their house or their combined houses. The registry is intended to help you and prevent any duplicates or prevent them from getting something they don’t need.”
If there are few options left on the registry by the time the guest gets to purchasing a gift, one thing guests can do to stay within their budget is to send a nice card and gift card to the store where the couple is registered. Lisa Laffertysays luxury wedding planner Luck.
“This way, the couple can choose what they really need or want,” says Lafferty.
At the end of the day, experts agree that the bride and groom should be grateful and show appreciation for any gifts they receive, even if they aren’t on their registry.
“A gift is a gift given without payment.” Lisa Mirza Grotzsays a certified etiquette expert with 25 years of experience. Luck. “If brides and grooms are being so insensitive to friends and family, this shift stands in stark contrast to the reason for the wedding celebration: love, communication, [and] obligation.”
Wedding guests also sometimes have a hard time knowing how to properly give gifts if they are invited to multiple events, such as a bridal shower or bachelor/bachelorette party. It may hurt your wallet, but wedding party members or people invited to multiple pre-wedding events are expected to buy gifts for each of them.
“While some couples may consider the costs that the wedding party will incur for dresses, grooming, and other preparations, giving a small gift for both occasions can still be considered thoughtful and polite,” says Lafferty. “This gesture recognizes the couple’s generosity and highlights the spirit of the events.”
As for the average expenses guests will incur for a wedding, including travel costs, clothing, gifts and other expenses such as child care, Carson says they expect to spend at least four figures—and spend at least the cost of the wedding. food as a gift. Today, most wedding dinners cost triple figures per guest, Carson says.
What not to wear
While brides and grooms have long been accustomed to asking for cocktail or formal attire at their wedding, more couples have begun asking guests to dress to match the theme or color scheme. The trend has sparked backlash from both wedding planners, who believe the demands are unreasonable, and from couples who are unhappy with guests who don’t follow their rules.
“It’s definitely a trend that the internet is pushing more and more as couples try to treat their event as both a fashion event and something they want to photograph” for social media, Carson says.
However, brides and grooms should accept that guests will “go crazy” and wear things that are outside the rules, “because attending a wedding these days is already very expensive,” he adds. “Asking for an extra outfit is definitely a big ask,” says Carson.
On the other hand, some couples argue that a dress code can actually be beneficial for wedding guests.
“By creating registry rules and dress codes, couples try to ease this burden, allowing guests to focus more on having fun rather than pre-wedding stress.” Hannah Novaksenior magazine editor Knotmarketplace for wedding vendors, reports Luck. She’s seen it all, from inviting participants to dress in cool colors like blue and green to Wardrobe request “kitsch, glitter, Vegas, camp wear” “where flowing sundresses and linen suits were encouraged.”
“Changes like these allow the couple to showcase their individuality and priorities, while guests get the chance to have a little fun while breaking away from the traditional wedding template,” says Novak.